That’s science b***h…

Now then…. I am pretty sure today is Monday and I am meant to be at work. I have spent the weekend in a daze of time/date confused-ness (I bloody know that isn’t a word Ben – pipe down). THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I PARTY.


Very very bad… Friday got out of control – very very quickly. Damn you Aussies! I stay home and train and sleep and act like a 50 year old for months on end, I get real strong results and then you nightmares come to town and it all goes out the window for 36 hours…. Could be worse though. I was so dehydrated yesterday my stomach looked pretty lean when I rolled off the sofa to answer the door to the pizza man. Exhibit A.

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My selfies still need some work – being a narcissist does not come easily to me believe it or not. So be nice!

However – through my fog of zero sleep and general throwing of all caution to the wind with training and diet I have managed to cobble together some thoughts on a few more things and I figured hey, it’s raining, let’s write some stuff.

Following me on Instagram yet? Some of you are…. Word. Some of you aren’t. Booo. That’s ok, let’s crack on whilst we’re here. So, we can deduce that I am not yet an OAP and can still go out and have fun (don’t wear Louboutins to Fabric and rave to drum and bass for 6 hours and walk out to be blinded by sunlight – you don’t look cool or clever – obviously I’m lying, I looked real cool). The point is – I have not trained since Thursday. This is down to a combination of factors.

a) I got overexcited by the prospect of social interaction mixed with strong beverages

b) My body is feeling very weak and tired. The cause is yet to be confirmed but I would imagine it is down to the 2 hour swim session I had on Thursday with my swimming instructor

c) We already know I am all or nothing. Yesterday I was all pizza and sofa and nothing for training

Now normally I’d start freaking out – but actually I’m ok with it today. I’m sitting here in my sweatpants and listening to the cars splashing the puddles outside and I’ve just started “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” on Netflix because I’m an utter loser and I watch this rubbish for fun. Another reason I am not freaking out is because I spoke to my coach earlier and he confirmed that if my legs are feeling as strange as I say they are then it is probably a better idea to rest today. Not great given I’ve eaten nothing but carbs so far today but life is short and sometimes….. peanut butter.

Whilst debating in my head whether or not training today was a good idea I spent an inappropriate amount of time on Instagram mooching around and generally having a good laugh at some of the stuff on there. I came across this…..

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(Follow official_gym_fails for more)

This made me laugh – then it made me think – deep I know… But seriously, is this a joke? (in my head I’m saying that in the Kevin McCallister voice from Home Alone..) WORKING OUT COULD PREVENT PEOPLE BECOMING OBESE? Jeez. And lest we forget that eating real food that is grown in the ground or raised on a farm is better for us too. BREAKING NEWS.

And it doesn’t end there! I sat in bed this morning with my weird green tea (cherry bakewell flavour – – youuuuu aaaaare welcome, the gingerbread is actually the best) and marvelling at my cunning microwave muesli protein concoction (which I shouldn’t have been eating because I’m not training today and I don’t need the carby energy but never mind).

It’s like art isn’t it? Just beautiful.

So there I was sitting in bed with Erin’s copy of Women’s Health. I scorn these magazines for the most part because they tend to be full of nonsense like “try this variation of a squat and watch your ass become perky in two weeks” – dude please….. we are not idiots. (It has taken me a year to get serious results in the gym FYI). This issue though was actually really good! Some solid advice about how joining online community type fitness coaching can see marked improvement (generally because you feel part of a support network folks – oh and guess what – I know a guy that knows a guy that knows how to do this better than the rest) and various other interesting little anecdotes. Aaaand then the adverts came rolling in….

Chocolate milk for athletes…. GET A GRIP

Look at this! Chocolate milk! And he’s playing basketball! OMG it must be really amazing stuff if it makes him jump that high! No…. it is just milk. Flavoured with chocolate. Don’t be fooled folks. Just like our friend Captain Jean Luc Picard says (I definitely didn’t think it was Spock… honest…. and I definitely didn’t have to google it) – anyway, his reaction is spot on.

SCIENCE….. b***h (mum you can’t shout at me for swearing – I put up with you signing off whatsapps with b***h for two months after you watched Breaking Bad). Science! Moving our bodies and eating proper food. Oh and avoiding Fabric. And rum. And pizza…… but not all the time. Because then that’s boring.

Sunday afternoon – that means food prep. It’s raining outside. Could someone please go to the shops and buy me 7 tubs of quark, 2kg of chicken, around a tenners worth of veg, some frozen berries, some eggs, some smoked salmon and twenty million pints of milk (because milk is protein guys…. with or without the hot basketball player).

That would be great.

Thanks so much.

Chilled Sunday love, C xxx

That’s science b***h…

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