Couldn’t disagree more… I FEEL like an elephant this week and I had totally forgotten how difficult it is to have some self restraint… and patience… and maintain a positive mindset.

My hamstrings hurt and I am going to whine my little face off until I feel I’ve cleansed these bullshit thoughts from my head.

I’ve been trying to get back into a really solid lifestyle for at LEAST two weeks now and I’m not back to 15% body fat yet. WTF? Why isn’t this happening right now? Why is it taking so long? Why am I still about THIRTY percent. Humph.

Oh right yeah…. it took 6 months last time to drop the best part of 10kgs. Great. That’s just fucking perfect. Sorry for swearing but that’s where I’m at right now. I have lost the use of vocabulary and I’m just on a one way street of expletives and rage.

It’s not even rage. It’s just kind of disappointment. It’s pretty depressing how much damage can be done in 6-8 months. The worst part? I’ve BEEN going to the gym and out on my bike and going for the odd run. Sadly when I combine that with “yeah totally – treat yourself to enough food for two people” I don’t stay lean. Combine THAT with a pretty dodgy diet set up of Deliveroo and sandwiches and everything else that I tend to crave and it’s just a direct ticket to fatsville.

Goddammit.

The worst part is my head actually. Yeah ok feeling pretty squishy isn’t exactly ideal but trying to keep the balance of self love and self loathing is damn hard. One part of my brain is like “shhhhhh it’s ok… take a deep breath… just keep eating better and working hard and you’ll get back to where you were a year ago” and then the other part of my brain is like “jesus wept woman – now look what you’ve done – you gotta act fast. No more food today. Just go back to throwing up any junk food you eat”.

TOXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

Not going there though. No point sitting whining and crying and then not doing something positive.

Neil just whatsapped me the best image ever:

He’s so damn wise.

My tummy is so round today. Sitting on my arse all day at work is NOT helping. Ironic isn’t it? I go to the gym and swim and walk 5 miles a day religiously for two weeks and don’t feel better. I feel WORSE! I remember this from last time though. I remember doubting everything and thinking I had made a huge mistake and I should switch things up etc etc. Actually that’s bullshit. I just need to stay committed and focus on the end goal – CONSISTENT HEALTH AND HAPPINESS. I am determined this will be the last time I feel like this. Lean with abs one year and feeling chunky and rubbish the next. I did an Ironman for crying out loud. Get a fucking grip woman. Again — sorry for swearing.

It definitely feels better to vent and be positive. No point sitting hating food and my body and all that negative stuff eating me up that’s for sure.

The first month or two is so hard though. You’re used to eating when and what you feel like and you think eating salad for a few days is killing it and then you realise it’s more work than that and that’s pretty damn shite ‘cos you thought you were doing really well but then you have to kick it up a notch.

(I actually love salad)

Thing is….. I KNOW what I’m doing is the right thing to be doing. My macros are decent. My training is solid. I’m getting enough sleep. I’m drinking enough water (ish). I just need to KEEP doing it. For weeks and weeks and weeks and then months and then FOREVER.

This is where I sometimes find having a PT or a nutritional coach can come in handy. You can put your doubts and fears and questions on someone else. Provided of course they know what they’re doing – you can trust them when they say “stick with it” or “ok let’s switch things up”.

I get that some people don’t need or want that sort of thing but for me it makes a massive difference. For this reason I literally can’t wait to start working with a PT again.

HOWEVER – it is also up to me to work out what works for me and what doesn’t. Perhaps I should give the scales another go. Ok they don’t account for muscle gain etc but they do at least give a good indicator for motivation and progress in the first few months…. hmmmm.

Ok these work pants are really not comfy now – I swear I’ve gone up 8 clothes size in the past twenty minutes. Humph. That’s another thing! FUCKING LEGGINGS. Those bastards are the devil. I mean obviously they’re not. They’re awesome and they look cool and they’re comfy as hell but they do NOT do us any favours when it comes to indicating if we are getting a bit chunky. Double humph.

Went to TK Maxx at lunch time – spent £7.99 on a vest that says Keep On Keeping On… how very appropriate.

Watch my mum’s reaction… “YOU CAN’T AFFORD MORE CLOTHES”

Oh leave me alone with my stretchy pants.

C x