Champagne WHAT?!

Well – yesterday was pretty average. In fact I’d go so far as to say it was boring. Yep. Totally mundane.

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

When I woke up this morning and checked the stats it turns out I had 267 views yesterday! That’s double the record so far. Pah! I was so excited I essentially skipped the 4 miles home and even contemplated smashing out some chin ups on the door frame before bed – until I remembered I can’t do them yet and crawling under the covers at 10pm seemed like a much better idea.

So basically I’m famous now. That’s how this works. I don’t care if “Simple Bites” gets 66,675 hits a month – I got 267. The end.

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I know Ron… so am I

Obviously I am only joking. So let’s move on and talk about something everyone loves. BOOOOOOOOOZE. Oh you’re all about to seriously hate me and I’m not even sorry. Actually I am slightly cowering as I type this because this is such a hit and miss topic. I could bamboozle you with talk of cortisol and alcohol and your liver and hypoglycemia but that isn’t going to do anyone any favours so I am going to attempt a “this is what happens” in terms that cannot be confuzzled. Here goes:

  • You get up at 6am and do a spinning class or run to work or smash out an upper body weights session

YOUR BODY IS NOW BURNING MORE CALORIES THAN NORMAL BECAUSE YOU HAVE TRAINED – WIN – BYE BYE FAT

  • You leave and you eat your eggs/oats/protein shake and feel damn virtuous

YOUR BODY SNAFFLES UP THE CARBS AND USES THEM TO REPLACE THE ENERGY YOU HAVE JUST USED – NOT STORED AS FAT – ALSO WIN

  • You go to work (sorry fellow rat racers)

YOUR BODY IS STILL, EVEN NOW, BURNING FAT MORE THAN IF YOU HAD JUST HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON – COME ON!

  • It’s lunch time and you are going out with colleagues, it’s also Friday, it’s also sunny, BALLS to a salad and a sparkling water, I worked hard this morning, let’s get some prosecco

YOUR BODY IS BURNING SO MUCH F—- OH NO WAIT, WHAT’S THIS? ALCOHOL? HOLD IT LADS! NO MORE FAT BURNING! WE GOTTA DEAL WITH THIS ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE! CHUCK THOSE CRISPS ON HER THIGHS! WE CAN DEAL WITH THEM LATER! OH GOD MORE ALCOHOL! QUICK GET THAT BLT ON HER HIPS!

……….see where I’m going with this? Rubbish isn’t it? Damn you prosecco! Damn you and your bubbly cheery giggly fun! And YOU G&T – you’re so damn sophisticated! Well you’re not fooling anyone! Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t ever drink. Are you joking? My sister is a wine buyer – I would be sectioned for a mental disorder if I refused free vintage champagne. However, what I AM saying is this…. don’t think that your quick Sauvignon after work isn’t going to have any side effects. Don’t think that your hour with your trainer isn’t going to be affected when you get home and smash half a bottle of red with your nice lean steak. I know it’s crap and I know it’s not fair but trust me it get’s easier.

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Let’s all hop on the wagon and drink soda water and have six packs. Pffft. No thanks. No, let’s just try and avoid the toxic stuff as often as possible and save it for special occasions? Does that sound fair? When I say special occasions I don’t mean every Friday night guys. It doesn’t work like that sorry. To give you a rough idea of a night out? Oh you’re about to punch me.

  • 2 Jagerbombs
  • 4 Large glasses of white wine
  • 1 G&T
  • Shared chips with co-worker
  • Sandwich when you get home

DO NOT SHOOT THE MESSENGER

You are looking at 1800kcals for that one “tame” night out….

You’re not dumb. You probably already know this. But actually it isn’t the calories that freak me out. It’s the science behind working your ass off all week and not realising every time you share a bottle of wine with your mate your body stops all fat burning. Whyyyyyyyyyyy?!

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Shut up Ollivander – use that wand to make me lean instead

So…. the way I tackled it? Learn to say “I’m not drinking” and then when people give you sh*t for it just get over it. Seriously. Learn to enjoy Slimline tonic WITHOUT the gin. Don’t like it? Get involved with sparkling water and a boat load of fresh lime. Yeah it sounds crap but you don’t want to be going for the sugary non-alcoholic options. Well – actually – you can do whatever you like! But if you really want to hit some goals then this is the reality.

Shall we lighten up a bit? Cake? Cake anyone?! It’s got protein in it!

I actually had a good chat with my lovely friend Beth last night. We were discussing how “committed” I am to the healthy eating and the training. Guys…. On Saturday afternoon I drank four pints of cider, I don’t know how many glasses of prosecco, I don’t know how many rums with full fat coke (WHAT?! No I didn’t? Did I?!) and then on Sunday my diet consisted of 3 eggs, 3 pieces of bacon, two slices of toast big enough to kill a duck (have you seen the scene in About A Boy? Love it), 2 bottles of full sugar lilt, tea with sugar oh and a full 13 inch pizza. Oh and I lay on the sofa ALL DAY.

………..I am sooooooo committed. Gimme back my halo I’ve got health and fitness to preach over here!

You see my point though? Give it big licks in the gym and stay off the chardonnay as much as you can. Treat yourself now and again. It’s damn hard to begin with but it get’s better.

(as much as you can = most of the time to begin with, until you learn to say NO to the Rekorderlig every time the sun comes out)

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This guy is never gonna be lean….

Aaaaaaaaaay whaddya know?! Suns out! Beer garden anyone?!

……….no thanks – I’ve got Ironman training to do.

Cheers! C xx

P.S. I actually AM tee total now until September 15th – be nice.

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Champagne WHAT?!

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