A gold star to the person that can name that quote… Nobody? Really? I got the same reaction when I blurted it out in the park on Saturday afternoon with Erin (in case you don’t know – Erin is my flatmate or “roommate” as she calls me – she is American, not her fault, ONLY JOKING! Don’t put spiders in my bed) There we all were sitting in the sun, Erin and her man and her (highly amusing) friend sipping wine whilst I drank….. sugar-free lemonade… I am such a saddo. To be fair though I had just done a two hour training session on the bike and was feeling rather parched AND I did have wine later so don’t start rolling your eyes at me just yet. Anyway, I’m not entirely sure how we came to discuss it but I randomly blurted out “this danish is pure protein” – which, for those of you not in the know, is a quote frooooom…….. DIRTY DANCING. Boys! Wait! You will like this post I promise.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that danish pastries are NOT pure protein. They are in fact wobbly tummies and dimply thighs covered in icing sugar. Sorry to be so nasty. I am only being honest. I was walking to work this morning (……I won’t say anything) and every morning I walk past the back entrance (snigger) of a Tesco. They obviously “bake” their croissants on a morning at around 7am because the smell filling this particular street is enough to make you want to lick the air. It’s unreal. Butter. Get. In. My. Mouth. No Cat! Think of the lean body! You do not want that warm, melty, flaky, tasty……… STOP IT. Do you know what goes into a croissant? This is really upsetting so look away if you are squeamish. The pastry….. is 50% dough…. and —- 50% BUTTER. My face currently is similar to Edvard Munch’s ‘Scream’ masterpiece (or for you modern folk – think the emoji in whatsapp that has a little blue face with two hands either side of its screaming mouth). That little french delicacie is around 400kcals and 20g of fat. Kill me now. I hate you monsieur.
Urgh…. why must all super tasty things make us look like Jabba? It’s not fair. But wait! What’s that?! Cake that is GOOD for the lean body. Oh my gaaaaaaaad. Amazeballs. Totes amazeballs. Amazesmalls. Calls. Shut up Cat.
PROOOOTEEEIIIIN CAAAAAKE (announced in the same way they announce a boxer entering the ring – I’m down with aggressive sport like that). So, we have two variations. A chocolate version – and a berry version. Personally I am obsessed with the berry version, I think this is due to the fact I am yet to perfect an exact replica for a chocolate brownie that enhances the abs rather than disguising them. However, for now, these ain’t bad.
Now don’t go spazzing out on me because these contain protein powder. Protein powder isn’t scary. Honestly. If you want the exact same nutritional values as listed in my recipes then use the exact same products. I have made it idiot proof – are you an idiot? No. So stop being scared. The cakes use protein powder as a bulking agent, ergo, they are not a billion calories from processed white flour. A word of warning though. These do not come out like Mary Berry’s Victoria sponge. They can be rather ugly brutes. But who cares! Get them baked, sliced up, in the fridge, take to work, 4pm coffee or tea, slice of cake – WIN.
Instead of listing them all out I have attached them as images. If they are not clear or anyone has any questions then you know how it works. Drop me a message on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram (social media hoor) and I will talk you through it. Prior to baking it is easiest to buy an electric whisk (£4.99 in Argos), a set of electric scales (£14.99 for Salter, i.e. good brand, in Argos) and some silicone bakeware (eBay or Amazon or Groupon). If you do not wish to purchase these then just get ready to work the arms with a regular whisk, line a regular tin with greaseproof paper and completely balls up your recipe by guesstimating the amounts. Ha. (You need scales folks).
Note the calories on my recipes….. teeny tiny. Just like your body fat percentage will be (maybe – if you stick to it). How delightful!
So – idiot proof guides, no idiots here — LET’S BAKE.